She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
where does the pee come out of this thing
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
