If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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