I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
