Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
