I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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