he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
