They should really pass out barf bags in church
that's an acceptable place to lick
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
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dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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