My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
