If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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