I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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