You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
