worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
