I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
