morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
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