I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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