well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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