Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
