my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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