so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I intend to get homeless drunk
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
