WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
