Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
