I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
