If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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