The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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