i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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