my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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