somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
