This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
