Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
