Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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