Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
