Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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