im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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