dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
