i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
