You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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