I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
