I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
