i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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