Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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