I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And then he peed in my hair
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