I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
