it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
