Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
