he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
