I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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