Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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