Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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