Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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