The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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