Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
