you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
