omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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