so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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