he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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