I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
