Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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