While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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