I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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