Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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