Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Bring me that man meat
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
