apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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