Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just blew my weed a kiss
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
